GOD’S SUMMER MIX 4m: Nick

Is it just me, or is the best part of summer that time when you’re out cruising a lonely highway in the dry heat of the season’s sun, you’re stopped at a red light, and a blonde babe pulls up next to you in a red convertible? Esp. the part when she looks over at you, drops her shades down and gives you that wink, and then speeds off, leavin’ you in the dust? Here’s a tip: follow her, motion for her pull over, and get her digits. Then take her on a date and make love to her.


So worth it.

Anyway, for me that’s the part of summer that really says it all. Summer is God’s blockbuster, God’s number 1 pop chart hit with a bullet. It’s the only time being in the world feels good, and I can truly believe He loves us or isn’t a huge fuck up. Remember winter? What a colossal fucking failure. One cool thing about this year’s summer is that I’m pretty sure that it’s going to last forever. Really. It’s not going to let us down this year, guys. This time it’ll be different. This time God means it. I know he’s let us down in the past, but I really feel like he’s changed. Just a guess, but sometimes you just get that feeling and you have to trust it with everything you have or could ever hope to have and bank on not ever being disappointed again. So, to celebrate God finally learning what maturity is and understanding what it means to be in a real, adult relationship (a.k.a. never-ending, pure, true, magical, constantly pleasurable and erotic love) I’ve made Him a summer jam mix CD. Here’s an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek at the track list. [Note: You’ll notice I didn’t dig very deep, but like I said, summer is about hits, and hits are the greatest because they are the best. God mostly listens to indie rock (Autumn much?) and pretty gay shit (sunsets much?), and Jack Johnson, so this is my attempt to gently coax him into realizing that Summer God is the God I likes most.]

1. “I’ve Done Everything For You ( You’ve Done Nothing for Me)” by Rick Springfield. This is just kind of a “fuck you” for the last 9 months to start things out and prove that I’m not vulnerable in any way.
2. “Country Grammar” by Nelly. Forget about it.
3. “I’ve Done Everything For You ( You’ve Done Nothing for Me)” by Rick Springfield. Just to hammer it home.
4. “(She’s Got) Legs,” by ZZ Top. Not only does this song make me want appetizers, it’s secretly got a really sexy vocal, a clandestine disco beat and insanely ripp-tawdy guitar lines that have been engineered to perfection. Give it a second listen. And who doesn’t know someone who’s got legs?
5. “Smoke Weed All Day (I’d rather be your nigger)” by Tupac. This song says everything about why God sent his angel-prophet Tupac to us and then had him die for our sins. 6. “Summertime” by R. Kelly. According to the internet this ft.s Aaliyah, but according to the internet “Crimson and Clover” is by Simon and Garfunkle and every song by a black woman is by Aretha Franklin. Anyway, this song is a pleasant reminder that summer is about kickin’ it like “Aaaayy!!! Ooohhh!! (repeat).”
7. “Summertime” by the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Essentially the exact same song.
8. “Slow Motion” by Juvenile. One other great part about summer is the non-stop bikini carwashes.
9. “Hey Lady” and “Houses of the Holy.” Thanks again for the Zep, God.
10. “Takin’ Care of Business” by BTO. When is this song ever inappropriate? A: What? I can’t hear you. I’m too busy taking care of fucking business!!!!! WOOOO!!! WoOOoOo!! Wooooo!! Woo! wo. w’…
…
…
…
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11. “Center Field” by John Fogerty. How sexy is this one?
12. “Drive” by The Cars. Not a big fan of some asshole telling a girl he just met that he’ll be there for her more than her boyfriend, but this one is great for after the sun goes down. It’s on pretty much every mixtape ever made. I refuse to be an exception. Ever.
13. “Tonight” by Ready for the World. Also great for after the sun goes down.
14. “Bad Case of Loving You” by Robert Palmer. Nothing makes me want to play an electric guitar solo on top of a sports car driving through the desert like BCoLY (besides reader e-mails and Jamba Juice). This song is the shit. So is this album cover:

15. “Night Moves.” God actually co-wrote this. The pregnant pause before the second “waited on the thunder” gives me such a major boner it should stop acting like it doesn’t know why it always gets pregnant.

I’m ending it here. You think God will like it? He better fucking give me one back.
<3zzzzz

Add tracks in our comment section, or send me some mp3s at millennial.crier@gmail.com. This is a community, folks.