Black Day

"It's worse than 9/12"
- a co-worker, over 500 times today

The bailout amounted to putting “a coffin on top of Ronald Reagan’s coffin."
-Representative Darrell Issa in the New York Times

"chgk ksssssssss"
- possum outside my door this morning

don't say yr srry

Everyone who has sent me this video has included an apology:


but you know these people are block-quoting Hendrik Hertzberg's blog in their blogs and laughing just as hard.

Sorry all I'm writing about is presidential politics, but I've got a bad case of election fever. If it's anything like the time I was pretty sure I had AIDS, I know the best course of action is to look myself in the mirror -- really look at myself, really, for the first time -- and face up to the fact that I need to get tested, then remind myself that I'm from a good a family and just forget about it.

"European seeming" is NOT foreign policy experience

Here's what my brain does when I see TV from the Netherlands or something:
1) not right
2) this looks cheap
3) too many colors
4) porn?
5) not right
6) poor or rich?
7) computer-generated or realer than anything I've ever seen?
8) "flatness" has been redefined for me
9) America is the greatest of world countries

Here's me when I see Sarah Palin, especially new Sarah Palin who only wears future-tunics:
1) not right
2) this looks cheap
3) too many colors
4) porn?
5) not right
6) poor or rich?
7) computer-generated or realer than anything I've ever seen?
8) "flatness" has been redefined for me
9) America is the greatest of world countries

Notice how anything is the same?

Sarah Palin: Good for reminding me why Ugly Betty makes me feel uncomfortable, bad for America.




[S. Ziz writes about how current-style American conservative nationalism is actually future-oriented internationalism in his The Ticklish Subject. This is me saying that, for those of you who think I'm racist. I'm just being like him. For those of you who think I'm a fat fuck Matrix-style unnecessarily violent System of a Down bit-torrenting asshole nerd: touche.]

Best of the 'Net

Those of you who’ve been following Weezy these past few months (aka the entire internet) might have noticed that he has been learning guitar. And from the sound of it, his teacher is the lovechild of a threeway between Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, and an angel. (It starts about 3 min 40 sec in):



Here is the conversation he had with his producers before that SNL taping:

Lil Wayne: I was thinking I would do a little shredding tonight at the end of “Lollipop.”
Producer: Oh…cool. But don’t you think that might detract from your vocals?
Lil Wayne: No, I’ll just concentrate really hard on my guitar playing. I learned how to play a D chord today, so I think I might play some notes from that. Probably at least two notes, maybe even three depending how it goes.
Producer: Great! [Aside to other producer] Just turn up his monitor so he thinks he’s loud.

I’m starting to suspect Lil Wayne might be the genius behind those genius shredding videos.

I bet he’s also secretly the "One Bank" guy.



I still think that guy is funnier than Russell Brand. Then again, I still think irony is funnier than satire.

So sue me!!



That reminds me, the MC is starting a Marmaduke caption contest. Winner gets a free subscription to Men's Vogue, as well as a lifetime of glory, obvs.

American Homelessness

Have you ever talked with a homeless person? You know, those people on the street, covered in soil and soot, "spare some change? spare some change?" A dime, you give. 2 pennies. Some lint and an old bottlecap. Or, you take care not to notice, averting your eyes. Invisible. "Invisible," you say. Aloud, probably.

America is "home" to over 1,000 homeless people. The best ones are the kind with beautiful, wise spirits/souls.

Long story short, here's what I just heard a lady one saying:

"I remember the second I was born in the hospital. They were saying "is you even alive?"' And I was trying to say, like, "Yes! Yes! I'm alive!"

Alive she was -- fully -- with her beady little eyes, like two tiny plastic beads; the kind of eyes that would lie to you about being pregnant to get money.

The best books I've ever seen

Market Analysis

The list of the richest men in America was just updated for 2008. The winner? Pampadour C. Moneybags. The loser? Probably my new roommate. He's got squinty eyes like a poor person and washes himself with Axe shower gel.

Forbes Magazine cites the "rising prices of oil and art" for all of the change-ups from last rich ranking season. Now, we all know about the craziness of the oil market, but what's with the art? For those of you who don't know what art is, it's vaginas made out of garbage, or "Garbage Vaginas." The reason it costs so much? Probably my new roommate, who is kind of a dick. When I went to artnet.com to see if I could track rising auction prices in specific art markets, what I found was I could hear that my new roommate was watching a rerun of NCIS really loud and not even changing the channel during commercials, which proves to me that he legitimately enjoys NCIS.

John McCain: Spread out in the soil? I investigate.

As you probably could have guessed, Liz and I are undecided voters. We're the kind of people who like to wait til we have all the facts. It's called being a responsible citizen. Google it.

On account of this I was so happy to read the following on n+1's website today:

...Above all, the mythology must prove that the man in the flesh, standing before you, is not the man who matters. He is larger than this; his blood has been spilled and his spirit loosed; we will be washed in his blood. Is it a Christian allegory? McCain can’t lift his arms high enough to be pinned to a cross. It is all loose revelation: he died for us; he is the Great Papa in the sky; he was a man, but it’s all right if he should disappear; he is spread out in the soil, and above the clouds; this time, it is Country First.

This point resonates so strong and clear I want to be washed in its blood! You know what I'm saying? You dooooo. How crazy did your "really helpful criticism (and scholarship!) ahead" blinkers start blinking when the author revealed a Christian allegory lurking beneath culture's pale facade?

Opinion section:
Personally, I don't get why pale facades even exist. Sometimes I think we should ban mere images altogether. As a society.

“Who’s That Lady?” : Sarah Palin Edition

You heard it here first, ‘net fans: John McCain has chosen a woman (!) named Sarah Palin (pronounced Pöul-ee-in) to join him on the Republican ticket.


Everyone seems to have just accepted this news like it was no big deal and moved on. But here at the MC, we like to cut through conventional wisdom and glossy surfaces to get to the true heart of the matter, because that is what journalism really is, assholes. I know because I’ve been to J-School.

"So who is this Sarah Palin character, and what state was she governor of, anyway?" You are probably asking yourselves. Well, I did some research and dug up a thing or two about this “first lady” of American politics. (Fun fact: Palin is the first lady to take part in American politics.) Ms. Palin was governor of Alaska, which was one of the last places in the world to become a state, followed only by Hawaii and a few other “newbies.” The Alaskan state flower is the Forget-Me-Not, which you can find pictures of on the internet.

So, ladies, it’s time to think back to Susan B. Anthony, Martha Washington, Marie Curie, and all the other heroes of ancient times who fought so that women could have the right to drive, be presidents of their local clubs and organizations, and to dress how we want, when we want. (History? More like herstory! If you know what I mean.) This reminds me of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “This is ladies’ night, and the feel is right / This is ladies' night, oh what a night (oh what a night).” Also, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. Ladies, if your feel is right, then take that feel to the polls come December. Or, if your husband is the one who makes the political decisions in your household, put on your prettiest top and ask him to vote for Sarah Palin for President. Because I have a dream, to borrow from a popular quote, that together we can make every night Ladies' Night for America. Amen.