Pandora

Do you guys like Pandora? I made up a fun game to play with it. Here’s what you do: create the wackiest combination of “favorite artists” you can think of, and then see what logic it uses to connect them. (WARNING: things might get *pretty* wacky.)

You can also approach it as a creative writing exercise: make up a character who is practically an alien from Mars and then see what Pandora recommends to them. For instance, I made up Jordan “Tails” Sharpton the third, whose three favorite bands are P.Diddy, Fleetwood Mac, and Deathcab for Cutie. Based on this, Tails was recommended the latest single by The Kooks, because it had in common “pop rock qualities, a subtle use of vocal harmony, minor key tonality, and a distinctive male lead.” While it’s true that P.Diddy’s vocal harmonies are nothing if not subtle, you can see the beads of sweat on Pandora’s little electronic forehead trying to come up with that one. “Come on Pandora, you can do this. Just come up with some bullshit. Anything is better than nothing.”

My next character, Denise Talbots, loves Xzibit, Everlast, Harvey Danger, and the musical stylings of Jennifer Love Hewitt. When I entered that into Pandora, it started playing screeching noises and said “Based on what you’ve told us so far, we’re playing this track because xiadidshgwbipawqjfewhi...” Then its eyes started spinning around and steam came out of its ears.

They should make a Pandora 2.0 where you enter in bands you like and it gives you your psychological profile or it tries to draw a picture of your face. In spite of the fact that this technology fails me in all the things it was intended for (when I did it the real way it literally played me a Sting song followed by an REM song. Then it called me a faggot and pushed my face in the mud), it still has so much promise as gaming technology. Please try to tap into that promise, nerds of the world. Tails is counting on you. We’re all counting on you.

" 'Sup, I know what it's like. "

That song was so real. They should have made it the theme song to The Wire.