DNC: Winners and Losers

Winners: female astronauts, blasting
"If we can blast 50 women into space, we will someday launch a woman into the White House"
- Hillary Clinton

Winners: monkey astronauts, Lance Bass, conjecture

Winners: TV drug dealers from 1995
Mark Warner's speech finally gave car phones and the booming car phone market the political recognition they deserve.

Winner: the warmth of Nancy Pelosi's uncompromising femininity

I used to think lesbian sex was 100% scissoring, and the noise it made in my mind sounded like the way Speaker P sands down the end of each of her sentences to a seamless joint between her womanhood and the air around her.

Winner: Ancient Greece, aesthetic criticism
Apparently, the stage set for Obama's speech tonight is going to look like something out of ancient Greece! Like where democracy was invented! Leave it to the Republicans to pick up on that blunder. The McCain camp dubbed the set the "Temple of Obama" and "Barackopolis," and sent press and supporters a "style guide" for how to make a toga! It's like "Earth to Democrats: no one wears togas anymore!!!! We wear screen print t's."

Democrats:

"I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing. Cause I'm an idiot."

But seriously, I like political criticism and design criticism merging. Especially when the image of Ancient Greece is invoked to support some underlying argument about how democracy and the cult of personality don't work together. Further: ancient Greece is always a good look.

Winner: Mark Shields


Hey Mark! the Kind, Kind Face store called. They want their merch back, dude.

(Also: black jacket, blue/blue striped shirt, green and navy tie motif EVERY DAY. That's how you do it.)

Winner: Gwen Ifill


Hey Gwen! the Sense That You Have Really Strong Healthy Bones Factory called, they want to thank you for sending all their American laborers back to work (over 300 workers).

Losers: Laid off textile factory workers.

Losers in my book: Marc C. and Cody

You assdogs know what you did.

END OF SUMMER BREAKKKDO.WWW.N

Political Science

I think the technology most political scientists are overlooking when trying to figure out how to scientifically parse the upcoming presidential election is face morphers. Not here, friends. At the Millennial Crier we're not afraid to use face morphers to ask the tough questions.
Questions like "what if Barack Obama had a white person face?" Even when the answer is:

"exactly like George Bush."

And we're not afraid to ask "what would Michelle Obama look like if she had a white person face?" Even if the answer is

"a lot like Rosie O'Donnell."

These are courtesy of "Face of the Future," where we can use technology to learn about what faces will look like in the future, the future where black people turn white.

What other questions aren't we afriad to answer with face morphers? For starters, "What if the McCains were black?"

even if the answer is "I feel racist now."

"What if John McCain was Chinese?"

even if the answer is "I've learned more about the future than I ever want to know, even though I know I already knew it. Somewhere. Somewhere..."

What if we go far enough into the future that space time collapses back on itself, we're born at death, and our first lady is tiny baby Cindy McCain?

making our president:


And "What if Leelee Sobieski and Hitler had a baby?"

And "what if Lil Wayne and Stevie Nicks had a beautiful angel?"*

*Williamsburg and globalized Williamsburg cells: you're welcome for the boner. And the garbage clothes. Which I made for you.

Falling Over

I don't know what you guys have been doing with your summer vacations, but I'll tell you what I've been doing:



That made it sound like I was a contestant on Wipeout, which I wasn't. I just like to watch it. So.....woooooh! Summer. Shit has been fucking crazy.

Nancy Franklin recently called this show “a perfect punch line to the human comedy,” which is super true.

On a side note, "supertrue.com" is still for sale as a domain name. I'm thinking of buying it and using it to self-publish all of my monographs. I'm also thinking that's how I will blurb every book that I like, once I get to write blurbs.

I can’t wait to start blurbing.

Now tell me a secret about you...

Anyway, how fun and exciting does this show make life look? It should get an NEA grant for making me fall in love with the human race all over again. Did you know that’s how they award NEA grants nowadays? It is. “Made Liz fall in love with the human race all over again: yes/no.” That’s why they don’t give them to any art that's sad or has a sad ending.

"Call me old-fashioned, but I just think there's enough sadness in real life."
That's a quote by James Joyce.

If I were an alien and I saw this video, I would be like, “Pack your bags, kids, we’re moving to that place. It looks so fun. Blee bloo blorp.”

This one too:



I give it five NEA grants. And an Academy Award.

That reminds me, does anybody else here have OSCAR FEVER???

That was a joke about how my blogs are always too late. Or a joke that I'm completely insane. Whichever makes you LOL harder. Just don't LOL too hard, or you might ROTFL onto your iPods and texting!

That reminds me, does anybody else here have OSCAR FEVER???

Since there's nothing better than trying to dissect humor, let me leave you with this question: why is present-day people falling over almost always funny, but old-timey people falling over (I’m talking to you, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton) is only funny to dads and film professors?

There's some food for thought that will really make you think and maybe even cry.

Blurbs! Sorry I love you so much.

Yahoo advertises on Google Adsense, wins

MC MERCH

We finally got around to printing the t-shirts!





Let everyone in your life know where you stand in the culture war, and the smaller subtler battle within that war, with our stylish new Millennial Crier Ts. With one of these on your back, you'll have all the kids on the street asking "did that person go to high school or college with someone who has a blog?" You can save your breath, because the answer will be clear.

e39.99
(euros only)

Australia; Acting Tips

Hey everybody, sorry it's been so long. I've been really busy with my internship in the corporate law sector, and I've also been working hard on my networking skills, as well as spending a lot of time personal training. Combine that with constantly looking things up on my iPod Touch, meeting people at clubs and buying them drinks out of my online poker winnings, and watching the ol' sports whenever I have the time, and you've pretty much described my summer in a nutshell!!

Actually, I just got back from a long vacation in Australia. If you’re wondering what it’s like, allow me to paint a picture:

1. Full of sharks.
2. Full of Christians.
3. Rich cultural heritage.

By the way, I’ll be leaving the Millennial Crier tomorrow to start my job as Chief of the Australian Bureau of Tourism. It’s been a good run.

Toward the end of our trip, the Pope arrived in Sydney for World Youth Day, a huge gathering of young Christians from all over the world, and all the TV news stories were about the Pope just doing things. Here’s a verbatim transcript of Australian TV that week:

Anchorwoman: During his visit to the Sydney Zoo today, the Pope revealed that he has a soft spot for koala bears. But he’s not so sure about those snakes!!!!
Anchorman: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Anchorwoman: We don’t have a Bill of Rights.

In conclusion, Australia is a land of contrast. One thing they export is corn or, as the Indians call it, “maize.”

Another big surprise was that on my flight back, Dennis Quaid, the reigning king of in-flight entertainment, was only in two movies. He was dethroned by Phillip Seymour Hoffman, of all people, who was in every movie I watched (The Savages, Charlie Wilson’s War, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead). That guy is alright, but I wish he would try a little harder at acting. Just hone your craft a little, is all I'm saying. Maybe you should try getting into the mindset of the character you're playing, and staying there -- even after the camera has stopped rolling. Remember, you won't win a People’s Choice Award for being “good enough.”

Speaking of which, I just went to see Click! A Crowd-Curated Exhibition at the Brooklyn Museum. Here’s what people love most, it turns out:

1. loud visual ironies
2. the Red Hook sugar refinery
3. things being reflected in pools

People also like gloomy visions of urban decay, still. I thought that was a 90s thing! People are so 90s.



That's just a little gift from me to you, friends. A lil' gift from me to you. I was going to get you an actual gift, but I spent the last of my Australian Euros at the club, buying shots for all the friends I made while backpacking at the youth hostel. Really, really chill people. We had some intense conversations. Study abroad. BLOGGER OUT