Summer Mix: Part Deux

The reason I haven't posted in a while is because of this terrible school called grad school. But since I have now turned in my last paper (remember that feeling? yeahhhhhhhhhhh you do), summer is officially here, so I'm posting my response/companion to Nick's mix. Here is what will be circulating on the giant boombox I have duct taped onto my segue, as I cruise the summer streets of Cambridge:
1) "The Inspiration," Young Jeezy
This song now opens every mix tape I make. It makes me feel inspired, then ashamed at how easily my emotions are manipulated by chords, then fiscally poor, and then inspired again. What I look for in an opening jam.
2) "Walk Like and Egyptian," The Bangles:
This tune got me through some times last semester. Title says it all.
3) "Hustler Muzik," Lil' Wayne:
Makes you want to break out the silk sheets and fuck a piece of silk. And open a successful silk franchise.
4) "Will You Be There," Michael Jackson
You know when you make friends with a whale who seems cool, but you're not sure if he'll always be there for you? This song really speaks to that.
5) "Ghetto Superstar," Pras and Mya
What do you get when you cross Clinton-era non-politics, highbrow 8th grade date movies, and synethizer baby noises? Answer: a song that already felt nostalgic the day it was released.
6) "Are You That Somebody," Aaliyah
See above. And RIP, girl.
7) "Got to be Real," Mary J. Blige and Will Smith
You know when you make friends with a shark who seems cool but you're not sure if he knows how to keep it real? This song really speaks to that.
8) "Dirty Mind," Prince
Song bridges are usually letdowns, because they seem like the musical equivalent of me going "shit, this paper is three pages too short. I'll just change the font to Courier New." This is one of the few tunes I can think of where the bridge (+key change) completely ties a ribbon around it, and the present is that babe from Nick's post.
9) "I Love My Life," Cam'ron
I love your life too, Cam.
10) "Put on Your T-Storm Hats," Liz
This song only exists in my head. But I highly recommend it. Especially if your brain totally loses its shit when it sees the T-Storm icon on weather.com.

It's all a blog.

I was just thinking about political blogs and "The Daily Show" and old time political cartoons. That blog would really write itself, though. Just stew on it for a second.
My skills as a playwright of imagined histories -- though I prefer "situation creator" of imagined histories-- have really been growing lately [sound of all readers pretending like they didn't notice] so I thought I'd share with you this latest scene I wrote about hanging out with your friends during yesteryear...if one of your friends during yesteryear was an old time political cartoonist.

Political Cartoonist: Hey guys. I was just thinking: aren't taxation and tariffs almost exactly like two tiny pigs dressed in baby clothes? And what about these industrial monopolies? Could they be more a giant fat person with skinny legs and a top hat and a thousand arms?
Friends: [gales of laughter]
Political Cartoonist: And everything is well labeled!
Friends: [gales of laughter]

laughter dies down

Friend 1: On a more serious note, we have got to do something about this infant mortality rate.
Friend 2: Agreed.
Friend 3: Seriously. At the very least it's just incredibly depressing.

GOD’S SUMMER MIX 4m: Nick

Is it just me, or is the best part of summer that time when you’re out cruising a lonely highway in the dry heat of the season’s sun, you’re stopped at a red light, and a blonde babe pulls up next to you in a red convertible? Esp. the part when she looks over at you, drops her shades down and gives you that wink, and then speeds off, leavin’ you in the dust? Here’s a tip: follow her, motion for her pull over, and get her digits. Then take her on a date and make love to her.


So worth it.

Anyway, for me that’s the part of summer that really says it all. Summer is God’s blockbuster, God’s number 1 pop chart hit with a bullet. It’s the only time being in the world feels good, and I can truly believe He loves us or isn’t a huge fuck up. Remember winter? What a colossal fucking failure. One cool thing about this year’s summer is that I’m pretty sure that it’s going to last forever. Really. It’s not going to let us down this year, guys. This time it’ll be different. This time God means it. I know he’s let us down in the past, but I really feel like he’s changed. Just a guess, but sometimes you just get that feeling and you have to trust it with everything you have or could ever hope to have and bank on not ever being disappointed again. So, to celebrate God finally learning what maturity is and understanding what it means to be in a real, adult relationship (a.k.a. never-ending, pure, true, magical, constantly pleasurable and erotic love) I’ve made Him a summer jam mix CD. Here’s an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek at the track list. [Note: You’ll notice I didn’t dig very deep, but like I said, summer is about hits, and hits are the greatest because they are the best. God mostly listens to indie rock (Autumn much?) and pretty gay shit (sunsets much?), and Jack Johnson, so this is my attempt to gently coax him into realizing that Summer God is the God I likes most.]

1. “I’ve Done Everything For You ( You’ve Done Nothing for Me)” by Rick Springfield. This is just kind of a “fuck you” for the last 9 months to start things out and prove that I’m not vulnerable in any way.
2. “Country Grammar” by Nelly. Forget about it.
3. “I’ve Done Everything For You ( You’ve Done Nothing for Me)” by Rick Springfield. Just to hammer it home.
4. “(She’s Got) Legs,” by ZZ Top. Not only does this song make me want appetizers, it’s secretly got a really sexy vocal, a clandestine disco beat and insanely ripp-tawdy guitar lines that have been engineered to perfection. Give it a second listen. And who doesn’t know someone who’s got legs?
5. “Smoke Weed All Day (I’d rather be your nigger)” by Tupac. This song says everything about why God sent his angel-prophet Tupac to us and then had him die for our sins. 6. “Summertime” by R. Kelly. According to the internet this ft.s Aaliyah, but according to the internet “Crimson and Clover” is by Simon and Garfunkle and every song by a black woman is by Aretha Franklin. Anyway, this song is a pleasant reminder that summer is about kickin’ it like “Aaaayy!!! Ooohhh!! (repeat).”
7. “Summertime” by the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Essentially the exact same song.
8. “Slow Motion” by Juvenile. One other great part about summer is the non-stop bikini carwashes.
9. “Hey Lady” and “Houses of the Holy.” Thanks again for the Zep, God.
10. “Takin’ Care of Business” by BTO. When is this song ever inappropriate? A: What? I can’t hear you. I’m too busy taking care of fucking business!!!!! WOOOO!!! WoOOoOo!! Wooooo!! Woo! wo. w’…
…
…
…
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11. “Center Field” by John Fogerty. How sexy is this one?
12. “Drive” by The Cars. Not a big fan of some asshole telling a girl he just met that he’ll be there for her more than her boyfriend, but this one is great for after the sun goes down. It’s on pretty much every mixtape ever made. I refuse to be an exception. Ever.
13. “Tonight” by Ready for the World. Also great for after the sun goes down.
14. “Bad Case of Loving You” by Robert Palmer. Nothing makes me want to play an electric guitar solo on top of a sports car driving through the desert like BCoLY (besides reader e-mails and Jamba Juice). This song is the shit. So is this album cover:

15. “Night Moves.” God actually co-wrote this. The pregnant pause before the second “waited on the thunder” gives me such a major boner it should stop acting like it doesn’t know why it always gets pregnant.

I’m ending it here. You think God will like it? He better fucking give me one back.
<3zzzzz

Add tracks in our comment section, or send me some mp3s at millennial.crier@gmail.com. This is a community, folks.

In "There. I said it." news

Suzanne Fields, at TownHall.com, is longing for the past.

"The "debates" between the current crop of presidential wannabes bear little resemblance to the stirring intellectual drama of Lincoln and Douglas, but they accurately reflect our times. Short answers to trivial questions for short attention spans. There's little opportunity for eloquence in a sound bite and it's not likely that television audiences would stay tuned if there were.

Politics is a victim of the electronic culture, just as the voter who chooses his candidate based on it. When body language becomes as important as verbal expression, when intellect is reduced to image, caricature inevitably becomes substance. In less than half a century, our culture has undergone a radical transformation in how we process information. That's the good news. The bad news is that it can only get worse. "

So am I, Suzanne.

The Millennial Crier officially endorses

this poster:


Millennial Crier FunFakz #14: After every post Liz and I quietly hug for 30-45 seconds.

People are such terrible liars

"Ok, I accidently searched for Duck Vagina on Google."

Mitt Romney: Hunk Factory

Here are Mitt Romney's top 6 myspace friends:

#1, his lovely wife Ann Romney

Music: Oldies, Norah Jones, Garth Brooks
Movies: Almost all -- but no scary ones

I find that charming.


#2 Tagg Romney

Harvard Business School '98
Music: Love it all-country, rock, 80s, 70s, you name it; especially Billy Joel, Jack Johnson

#3 Josh Romney

Harvard Business School '05
General: Surfing, waterskiing, snowskiing, reading, travelling and playing with my three children


#4 Matt Romney

Harvard Business School '03
Look out!
Music: Cake, Ozomatli, Shins, Iz, White Stripes, Beck, Coldplay, Led Zeppelin, Luna, and Bob Marley.

#5 Ben Romney

Modest med student


#6 Craig Romney

Occupation: Music Producer

They're all married.

Romney is the only presidential candidate who has his family in his top 8. It not only shows me he's really family-oriented, but it continues his (so far really effective) campaign to make me feel like a huge faggot. Every time this guy talks I feel like he's throwing me the winning pass, and just letting me soak up the glory of being a real man for one fleeting second while he jumps on the back of an eagle and goes to a Habitat work site. Now I find out the dude had 5 OTHER DUDES that could out-dude me equally well -- INSIDE HIS BALLS.

If he were the fake president in an action movie I wouldn't believe it for a second. He's too much. Put him in a wheelchair or something. I can't stand it.

Can we really imagine an American first family that looks like this?:

It'll be tough.

In the way that running for President is running for Greatest Man in America, I don't know how this guy can be beat. O, wait. It's called light-skinned black, salt-n-pepper 'round the edges, and every hope I've ever had for the future in single eye-twinkle.

If Obama loses I vote he marries Beyonce (or MJB), and they run for King and Queen of the World.