John McCain: Spread out in the soil? I investigate.

As you probably could have guessed, Liz and I are undecided voters. We're the kind of people who like to wait til we have all the facts. It's called being a responsible citizen. Google it.

On account of this I was so happy to read the following on n+1's website today:

...Above all, the mythology must prove that the man in the flesh, standing before you, is not the man who matters. He is larger than this; his blood has been spilled and his spirit loosed; we will be washed in his blood. Is it a Christian allegory? McCain can’t lift his arms high enough to be pinned to a cross. It is all loose revelation: he died for us; he is the Great Papa in the sky; he was a man, but it’s all right if he should disappear; he is spread out in the soil, and above the clouds; this time, it is Country First.

This point resonates so strong and clear I want to be washed in its blood! You know what I'm saying? You dooooo. How crazy did your "really helpful criticism (and scholarship!) ahead" blinkers start blinking when the author revealed a Christian allegory lurking beneath culture's pale facade?

Opinion section:
Personally, I don't get why pale facades even exist. Sometimes I think we should ban mere images altogether. As a society.

“Who’s That Lady?” : Sarah Palin Edition

You heard it here first, ‘net fans: John McCain has chosen a woman (!) named Sarah Palin (pronounced Pöul-ee-in) to join him on the Republican ticket.


Everyone seems to have just accepted this news like it was no big deal and moved on. But here at the MC, we like to cut through conventional wisdom and glossy surfaces to get to the true heart of the matter, because that is what journalism really is, assholes. I know because I’ve been to J-School.

"So who is this Sarah Palin character, and what state was she governor of, anyway?" You are probably asking yourselves. Well, I did some research and dug up a thing or two about this “first lady” of American politics. (Fun fact: Palin is the first lady to take part in American politics.) Ms. Palin was governor of Alaska, which was one of the last places in the world to become a state, followed only by Hawaii and a few other “newbies.” The Alaskan state flower is the Forget-Me-Not, which you can find pictures of on the internet.

So, ladies, it’s time to think back to Susan B. Anthony, Martha Washington, Marie Curie, and all the other heroes of ancient times who fought so that women could have the right to drive, be presidents of their local clubs and organizations, and to dress how we want, when we want. (History? More like herstory! If you know what I mean.) This reminds me of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “This is ladies’ night, and the feel is right / This is ladies' night, oh what a night (oh what a night).” Also, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. Ladies, if your feel is right, then take that feel to the polls come December. Or, if your husband is the one who makes the political decisions in your household, put on your prettiest top and ask him to vote for Sarah Palin for President. Because I have a dream, to borrow from a popular quote, that together we can make every night Ladies' Night for America. Amen.

DNC: Winners and Losers

Winners: female astronauts, blasting
"If we can blast 50 women into space, we will someday launch a woman into the White House"
- Hillary Clinton

Winners: monkey astronauts, Lance Bass, conjecture

Winners: TV drug dealers from 1995
Mark Warner's speech finally gave car phones and the booming car phone market the political recognition they deserve.

Winner: the warmth of Nancy Pelosi's uncompromising femininity

I used to think lesbian sex was 100% scissoring, and the noise it made in my mind sounded like the way Speaker P sands down the end of each of her sentences to a seamless joint between her womanhood and the air around her.

Winner: Ancient Greece, aesthetic criticism
Apparently, the stage set for Obama's speech tonight is going to look like something out of ancient Greece! Like where democracy was invented! Leave it to the Republicans to pick up on that blunder. The McCain camp dubbed the set the "Temple of Obama" and "Barackopolis," and sent press and supporters a "style guide" for how to make a toga! It's like "Earth to Democrats: no one wears togas anymore!!!! We wear screen print t's."

Democrats:

"I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing. Cause I'm an idiot."

But seriously, I like political criticism and design criticism merging. Especially when the image of Ancient Greece is invoked to support some underlying argument about how democracy and the cult of personality don't work together. Further: ancient Greece is always a good look.

Winner: Mark Shields


Hey Mark! the Kind, Kind Face store called. They want their merch back, dude.

(Also: black jacket, blue/blue striped shirt, green and navy tie motif EVERY DAY. That's how you do it.)

Winner: Gwen Ifill


Hey Gwen! the Sense That You Have Really Strong Healthy Bones Factory called, they want to thank you for sending all their American laborers back to work (over 300 workers).

Losers: Laid off textile factory workers.

Losers in my book: Marc C. and Cody

You assdogs know what you did.

END OF SUMMER BREAKKKDO.WWW.N

Political Science

I think the technology most political scientists are overlooking when trying to figure out how to scientifically parse the upcoming presidential election is face morphers. Not here, friends. At the Millennial Crier we're not afraid to use face morphers to ask the tough questions.
Questions like "what if Barack Obama had a white person face?" Even when the answer is:

"exactly like George Bush."

And we're not afraid to ask "what would Michelle Obama look like if she had a white person face?" Even if the answer is

"a lot like Rosie O'Donnell."

These are courtesy of "Face of the Future," where we can use technology to learn about what faces will look like in the future, the future where black people turn white.

What other questions aren't we afriad to answer with face morphers? For starters, "What if the McCains were black?"

even if the answer is "I feel racist now."

"What if John McCain was Chinese?"

even if the answer is "I've learned more about the future than I ever want to know, even though I know I already knew it. Somewhere. Somewhere..."

What if we go far enough into the future that space time collapses back on itself, we're born at death, and our first lady is tiny baby Cindy McCain?

making our president:


And "What if Leelee Sobieski and Hitler had a baby?"

And "what if Lil Wayne and Stevie Nicks had a beautiful angel?"*

*Williamsburg and globalized Williamsburg cells: you're welcome for the boner. And the garbage clothes. Which I made for you.

Falling Over

I don't know what you guys have been doing with your summer vacations, but I'll tell you what I've been doing:



That made it sound like I was a contestant on Wipeout, which I wasn't. I just like to watch it. So.....woooooh! Summer. Shit has been fucking crazy.

Nancy Franklin recently called this show “a perfect punch line to the human comedy,” which is super true.

On a side note, "supertrue.com" is still for sale as a domain name. I'm thinking of buying it and using it to self-publish all of my monographs. I'm also thinking that's how I will blurb every book that I like, once I get to write blurbs.

I can’t wait to start blurbing.

Now tell me a secret about you...

Anyway, how fun and exciting does this show make life look? It should get an NEA grant for making me fall in love with the human race all over again. Did you know that’s how they award NEA grants nowadays? It is. “Made Liz fall in love with the human race all over again: yes/no.” That’s why they don’t give them to any art that's sad or has a sad ending.

"Call me old-fashioned, but I just think there's enough sadness in real life."
That's a quote by James Joyce.

If I were an alien and I saw this video, I would be like, “Pack your bags, kids, we’re moving to that place. It looks so fun. Blee bloo blorp.”

This one too:



I give it five NEA grants. And an Academy Award.

That reminds me, does anybody else here have OSCAR FEVER???

That was a joke about how my blogs are always too late. Or a joke that I'm completely insane. Whichever makes you LOL harder. Just don't LOL too hard, or you might ROTFL onto your iPods and texting!

That reminds me, does anybody else here have OSCAR FEVER???

Since there's nothing better than trying to dissect humor, let me leave you with this question: why is present-day people falling over almost always funny, but old-timey people falling over (I’m talking to you, Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton) is only funny to dads and film professors?

There's some food for thought that will really make you think and maybe even cry.

Blurbs! Sorry I love you so much.

Yahoo advertises on Google Adsense, wins